From Toxic Relationships to Discovering Self-Love
Toxic relationships—whether they stem from others or from within ourselves—are something most of us encounter. Sometimes, we may even be the toxic one. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on this word, sparked by one of my favorite early 2000s songs: Toxic by Britney Spears. Still a banger! But beyond the catchy beat and sultry lyrics, it makes me wonder: Why is toxicity so alluring? And why do so many of us, especially women, get caught up in it?
I write this from experience. I’ve been that woman—drawn to the intensity of relationships that didn’t have my best interests at heart. Toxicity isn’t limited to romantic entanglements; it can show up in friendships and even family dynamics. So, what creates this magnetic pull toward unhealthy connections?
For me, the turning point came when I began observing rather than absorbing. Instead of reacting impulsively or feeling ashamed for being drawn to toxicity, I practiced pausing. Simple grounding techniques like deep breathing helped me create space between my emotions and my responses. In that pause, I could ask myself: Does this action, person, or situation serve my highest good?
Learning what truly serves me took time—and hard lessons. In the past, my intuition often screamed for me to walk away, but my insecurities and people-pleasing tendencies screamed louder. I ignored the red flags, which led me through painful but enlightening experiences. With each heartbreak and disappointment, I gained wisdom. And with wisdom, clarity: chasing toxic highs is like chasing cheap dopamine. It burns bright but fizzles fast, leaving you drained.
Yet, I don't regret those experiences. Without them, I might still be stuck in cycles of unhealthy connection, unable to recognize toxicity when it appeared. Now, I can spot the signs more clearly:
Signs of a Toxic Relationship:
Consistent Negativity: They bring you down more than they lift you up.
Lack of Empathy: Your feelings are minimized or dismissed.
Manipulative Behavior: They twist situations to their advantage or make you question your reality.
One-Sided Relationships: The effort and care are unbalanced.
Boundary Violations: They ignore or push past your limits.
Jealousy or Competitiveness: They can’t celebrate your wins without making it a contest.
Frequent Drama: Conflict seems constant and exhausting.
Victim Mindset: They never take responsibility for their actions.
Control and Criticism: They micromanage or belittle you.
Energy Drain: Their presence leaves you emotionally depleted.
The Path to Self-Love
At the end of the day, the most vital relationship you have is with yourself. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from toxic relationships—both with myself and others—is the importance of cultivating unconditional self-love. We all make mistakes. We all learn lessons. And it’s okay not to have known better in the past. I carried a lot of shame for years because of my poor choices, but I’ve come to understand that wisdom comes from experience, not perfection.
The version of me that emerged from those experiences is stronger, wiser, and more self-loving. I’ve learned to check in with myself regularly. Now, I ask you to do the same:
How are you spending your thoughts with yourself?
Are you speaking kindly to your own mind?
Mistakes are part of growth. Give yourself grace. You deserve the same love and compassion you so freely give to others. Start by offering it to the person who needs it most: you.
